a lot of things that once held a very impt meaning to me have swept past me.

things that once i held so dearly lies tattered in the deepest sorrows of my wallet.
things that i once protected like a dragon and worked tirelessly for, lies broken by my own actions.
the people i once respected become disgraced and i look at them with disdain.
those who i once loved to be close to are now so far out of reach, they're in their own world while i have no where to go.

last year, i thought to myself.

wouldn't it be good to be alone?

nobody could break my heart, since there was nobody.
nobody could betray me, since there was nobody.
nobody could do anything to me.

and its come true.

but...
nobody being here breaks my heart.
nobody betraying me makes me dull.
nobody doing anything to or for me makes me... sad.

saw this at a once close friend's blog today.

it goes something like ,"the saddest person is one who is sad but smiles and says "i'm happy for you" " or something like that.

no wonder i'm always emo, i refuse to accept my own sadness.
no wonder i'm unstable. happy like hell also won't make me even.

to me, maybe i'll learn something from this.

that when you think you're too good, you become the stupidest person ever.

i think, i should stop moping around.

i have things to return to my classmates.

cut off by choice.

i might as well have no handphone.

think about this statement:

you have no messages because you don't send any.


it used to make sense to me.

then i thought, wait a minute, it doesn't.
what if only you had a handphone? no matter what you send or to who, nobody will reply you.
then, if you send a message, the other receives it, but they didn't send a message.

this statement is flawed. it was what i used to keep myself away from my phone.

lately i've been in isolation.

ever since my outburst last last week, then running off all of a sudden, i haven't been stable yet.
i guess it's really dumb, but i'm jammed in my revert mode. and i'm afraid i'll hurt more people, so...

i dunno.

i always thought being a loner was okay, its not so bad. but for a guy who's tasted freedom in friends and family, isolation hurts a lot. i wonder how she lived through it. 2 shes and one he.
with almost no social life and an unhappy life too.

i saw someone like that, i think. i had a friend from primary sch.

he lost his mother.

i have 2 friends like that, but i kinda lost contact w both.

well this guy, his sister helps out at thier family store. selling fish at the pasar.

most girls her age would go "eee,eee, fish" to the point i'd slap them and say "its just a god damn fish. so what if it smells".

most girls her age wear make up and go out with guys so handsome you'd think they were 21.
or with guys so gay you'd think they were foreigners.

she can't do that.

when you look at people like her, you feel... unsettled.

her face has a silent power in it, something that has resigned to a sad, unhappy fate.
i saw the same face last year on someone i used to know.

her face, is the most beautiful i've ever seen, other than my mother's.

someone has taken that place, finally.

but then, i might seem a little bad. think about it, the only thing that's ever attracted me is a show of deep sorrow. i'm... like a fly.

i only land on dead rotting flesh.

isit worth it, being so lively and smart, having all the comforts you ever wanted and yeah, yeah, i'm living the high life (muthukal sirikum nilaithil thikthikkum ninaipai viraikil).

i want to live poor.
but have a lot of money.
i'll work for my family's security, and not for personal gain.

how can someone smile again when they know others are suffering when they are laughing?

that 4/2 indian may laugh, (not you 10) , but i wonder if everytime he teased me and dissed my ideas and notions as weird or strange, has he ever thought about it and asked himself what he would do to help them? or are girls the only thing he thinks about?

some things....
just cannot be forgiven.

when you become blinded, how do you see?

yeah. i don't believe in saints, so you guys aren't saints.

let me be honest with you.

_______________________

actually, i never thought of myself as part of you guys.
do you know the way some people look down on themselves, i do it routinely as well.
it hurts a lot, thats why i do it.

last time...

blonde(i dwan use your name-.- but i dunno wad to put. so i use wad yj says.) invited me to go study with you guys, so i took it up. because i'd get to feel her presence.
at that time, i didn't even dare to look at her.

i mean like, i already got told off so many times. yet i still repeat my mistake?
and now blonde asks me to go study with you guys?

half of me wants to go. the other half dunwan, cos he's afraid.

but i went anw.

i lied to myself, saying that if i go cos blonde goes, then i won't be going just to see her. then i have a reason to go.

as time passed, i managed to be able to look at her without worrying. cos i really went to study. no need to lie to myself anymore.

even so, you guys only talk in chinese. and i know from the start that i'm not included in you guys' crowd. i'm just extra.

to me, it don't matter what language you talk in, who's in the group or where you guys study or even if you include me.

i cant feel left out if i'm not one of you guys.

from the start, ever since june i haven't allied with any group in class. i'm not in the ctrl clique, i'm not anti and i'm not in the crowd.

i'm just alone.

but its like, i wanna play piano, but eventually sh plays it, and i obviously give in. duh, how can i not. if i dun force yj out of the piano wad right do i have to force others out. no offence.

i wanna sit amongst you guys, but you'll be talking over me. and with my vocab i can barely understand what you guys say. barely.

i'm always afraid, cos i never thought i was part of you guys.

like i'm just a guest?

wad if i get pushed out like yp?lol-.-
ignore that.

then, ytd i did something very very wrong to someone, not in our sch.
i felt super ashamed. it was extremely wrong, and i didn't dare go apologise.

to tell you th truth, i was avoiding you guys.

i'm afraid of my own temper.

i wasnt stable today. whoever i'm thinking of becomes the cause of my problems, that's what it means.

but heck, i've been like that for 3 months. it shouldnt be any different, right?

wrong. if i open up a memory box in which my most treasured memories lie, they become corrupted. and i had the open the one which reminds me of this.

"Friends?"

"i cant be your friend yet."

"okay, classmates then."

rmb this?

and thats why i became like that.

this memory was super painful to me.

cos of my stupidity.
and ignorance, blindness.

and in the end i affected you guys.

tc spotted me at the ish today(wednesday).
i was silently emoing to try and stay away from things that could make me think.

but the basketball court's there. how can i not think?
and the three bands sh wore were there too.

its like igniting the fuel in the engine.

___________________________

so, its my fault.

i really ruined your (you all) day today.
it doesnt involve any of you at all.

i'm just blind, as usual.

i won't be walking off anymore.