some things....
just cannot be forgiven.

when you become blinded, how do you see?

yeah. i don't believe in saints, so you guys aren't saints.

let me be honest with you.

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actually, i never thought of myself as part of you guys.
do you know the way some people look down on themselves, i do it routinely as well.
it hurts a lot, thats why i do it.

last time...

blonde(i dwan use your name-.- but i dunno wad to put. so i use wad yj says.) invited me to go study with you guys, so i took it up. because i'd get to feel her presence.
at that time, i didn't even dare to look at her.

i mean like, i already got told off so many times. yet i still repeat my mistake?
and now blonde asks me to go study with you guys?

half of me wants to go. the other half dunwan, cos he's afraid.

but i went anw.

i lied to myself, saying that if i go cos blonde goes, then i won't be going just to see her. then i have a reason to go.

as time passed, i managed to be able to look at her without worrying. cos i really went to study. no need to lie to myself anymore.

even so, you guys only talk in chinese. and i know from the start that i'm not included in you guys' crowd. i'm just extra.

to me, it don't matter what language you talk in, who's in the group or where you guys study or even if you include me.

i cant feel left out if i'm not one of you guys.

from the start, ever since june i haven't allied with any group in class. i'm not in the ctrl clique, i'm not anti and i'm not in the crowd.

i'm just alone.

but its like, i wanna play piano, but eventually sh plays it, and i obviously give in. duh, how can i not. if i dun force yj out of the piano wad right do i have to force others out. no offence.

i wanna sit amongst you guys, but you'll be talking over me. and with my vocab i can barely understand what you guys say. barely.

i'm always afraid, cos i never thought i was part of you guys.

like i'm just a guest?

wad if i get pushed out like yp?lol-.-
ignore that.

then, ytd i did something very very wrong to someone, not in our sch.
i felt super ashamed. it was extremely wrong, and i didn't dare go apologise.

to tell you th truth, i was avoiding you guys.

i'm afraid of my own temper.

i wasnt stable today. whoever i'm thinking of becomes the cause of my problems, that's what it means.

but heck, i've been like that for 3 months. it shouldnt be any different, right?

wrong. if i open up a memory box in which my most treasured memories lie, they become corrupted. and i had the open the one which reminds me of this.

"Friends?"

"i cant be your friend yet."

"okay, classmates then."

rmb this?

and thats why i became like that.

this memory was super painful to me.

cos of my stupidity.
and ignorance, blindness.

and in the end i affected you guys.

tc spotted me at the ish today(wednesday).
i was silently emoing to try and stay away from things that could make me think.

but the basketball court's there. how can i not think?
and the three bands sh wore were there too.

its like igniting the fuel in the engine.

___________________________

so, its my fault.

i really ruined your (you all) day today.
it doesnt involve any of you at all.

i'm just blind, as usual.

i won't be walking off anymore.