if i dont like you anymore explain that slight bit of jealousy i feel when you talk about someone else.

i can do it, just a bit more.

one whole day without having to run crying for you.

slowly, i'll learn to let go of you.

actually i really don't want to.
you're one of those people who are the most similar to me.
if i let you go... i may never find someone like you.

even though there's a lot of things that we're different in, in some parts, we're really really similar.
but maybe i'm just biased.

i hope its for the better.
and that you find someone worthy.

kinda feels like i screwed up big time. :/

last night i dreamt of being stabbed in the stomach.

and when i drank water and ate food, it began to leak out from my wound, even though i didnt remove the blade.

it seriously hurts though.

you know what, girl.

its only been 1 day.

but i really miss not having you around anymore. seriously.

even if i might not be in love with you, i still miss you.

i miss having someone always there to talk to me.

someone whose some parts of their soul matches with mine, who has similar personality as me.

she went to ij, he went to poly, she's always busy, he's away at work.

and now, you also have to go.

this distance is seriously hurting me, even though i know i can live without you.
you also know how it feels for someone to suddenly go away...
you also know how it feels if someone asked to be a little more distant...
even though i need it, even though you need it...

sometimes what we need is what hurts us the most.
but sometimes what we need is actually not what we need.

if missing is a sign of love, then i don't want to forget you.
cause i'd love you from when my eyes open to just before my eyes close.

____________

gpp sucks-.-

i wonder if i'm doing things the right way? you know, like everytime you take a step, do you check everytime if you're going in the right direction? only god knows in the end. i feel myself distancing too much from what matters to me, here, now and my future. still very unsure.

reading stories on xm's blog so fun, yeah. but then, what ami able to do? all stories in the world are nothing compared to the truth of the world. so what is the truth?


i shld just not think so much. (: and yet not become an idiot.

optimist, optimist. today will be better than ytd.

everything feels different nowadays, when everything has changed. whats it like to be in the past, i wonder. i miss my older self. i'm doing things that i never did before, and i stopped doing things i always did before. if change is the only thing constant, people like me will forever feel out of place.

unsurety is part of life, i wonder how i can cope with all this. when you suddenly find that everyth isnt the same anymore, when those close to you have gone far away, then how will you survive yourself? or are you really yourself?

end of sec 4 sucked for me. i lost touch with what was supposed to be the best class in the school. now that i'm in jc i'm jealous that everyone else has a nice past to look back onto. when i look back what do i see? fights, scuffles, disagreements. over class tee, over birthdays, over funny funny and weird weird things. insensitivity. whatever man. i just hate it, to the max. there's still 1001 things, unpleasant things, that stand out so much in my sec4 life. what happened, huh?

am i determined to make jc life more socially better for me? i'm not sure. it dont look like it will be that promising. but then, it dont look like it will fall apart either. the one who makes that difference will be me. whether i choose to stay or go, to change back into a ghost or to become a human and mingle around, losing my soul slowly.

whatever it is, forgetting is a part of life. i may have forgiven her but i can never forget, cos she hasnt forgiven me, and i still cant watch a wushu performance without remembering. it still feels damn weird and uncomfortable.

then again, i can choose to rmb all the bad stuff, or i may choose to look forward to a brighter future that i shape for myself. how long do i want to sit here and rot. -.- and wait for something good to happen.

5 years ago mum always said that teenagers always do their soul searching. i thought i'd never have to go through it. but in the end, i'm no different. where, who, what is my soul. what makes me myself and i. what i'll do. what my principles are. or i can just not make everyth so complicated and live life for the present, losing certain futures and past.

huh. feels damn weird ttm. i'm not loving it this way.