everything feels different nowadays, when everything has changed. whats it like to be in the past, i wonder. i miss my older self. i'm doing things that i never did before, and i stopped doing things i always did before. if change is the only thing constant, people like me will forever feel out of place.

unsurety is part of life, i wonder how i can cope with all this. when you suddenly find that everyth isnt the same anymore, when those close to you have gone far away, then how will you survive yourself? or are you really yourself?

end of sec 4 sucked for me. i lost touch with what was supposed to be the best class in the school. now that i'm in jc i'm jealous that everyone else has a nice past to look back onto. when i look back what do i see? fights, scuffles, disagreements. over class tee, over birthdays, over funny funny and weird weird things. insensitivity. whatever man. i just hate it, to the max. there's still 1001 things, unpleasant things, that stand out so much in my sec4 life. what happened, huh?

am i determined to make jc life more socially better for me? i'm not sure. it dont look like it will be that promising. but then, it dont look like it will fall apart either. the one who makes that difference will be me. whether i choose to stay or go, to change back into a ghost or to become a human and mingle around, losing my soul slowly.

whatever it is, forgetting is a part of life. i may have forgiven her but i can never forget, cos she hasnt forgiven me, and i still cant watch a wushu performance without remembering. it still feels damn weird and uncomfortable.

then again, i can choose to rmb all the bad stuff, or i may choose to look forward to a brighter future that i shape for myself. how long do i want to sit here and rot. -.- and wait for something good to happen.

5 years ago mum always said that teenagers always do their soul searching. i thought i'd never have to go through it. but in the end, i'm no different. where, who, what is my soul. what makes me myself and i. what i'll do. what my principles are. or i can just not make everyth so complicated and live life for the present, losing certain futures and past.

huh. feels damn weird ttm. i'm not loving it this way.