Ayatul kursi

what happens when I no longer feel close to anyone at all?
I dont know anyone well at all, not even my family.
this isnt going well at all. it kinda feels like I have nobody to talk to. nobody who I can just put everyth on and not be afraid. and that i'm willing to do th same for. a close friend in a time of need. :/



I want a friend again. someone like what celine, sean, kavin, yuanjye, kc, who ever else, used to be. not a replacement. just... a person I can be close to.

allahu laa illahu hu wal hayyul qayyum, laa tak khuzhuhu shinatuw wa la nawm. lahu maa fis samawaati wa maa fil ardh. man dzal ladzi yashfauu indahuu illaa bi idznih, ya'lamu maa bayna ai dee him wa maa khalfahum, wa laa yuHiitu nabi syai im min ilmihi il laa bi maa syaak. wasia' kursiyyu hus samawaati, wa maa ya urdhuhu Hifzhuhuma wahuwal a'liyyul azhim.

FW:

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From: hilmiba852@hotmail.com
To: hilmiba852.myblogposts@blogspot.com
Subject:
Date: Thu, 2 Sep 2010 00:03:57 +0800

Test post

(:

i cant keep going on like this. i need to change. i need to stop being like this. i want so many things back, i want to go back to being what i was 4 years ago. without the violence and emo. just the strong, optimistic, hardworking, enthu young kid. with my maturity now.

it SUCKS to have to hide your feelings.
it SUCKS to play and lose all the time, cos you're not concentrating. back to bed.

0 work done today.

in the library doing pw, i'm not so down anymore.
but sometimes it still hurts.

so unsatisfied. oh well.

i found him.

i feel like i've seen someth i shldnt have.

it kinda hurts, to see this kinda thing. but i cant possibly come running to xuemiao cos of this. we're both tired today. and cel is tired too, i dont wanna disturb her. sean's busy too.

i have nobody to turn to, or i dont know who to turn to.

i dont know what to say even if i did.

these feelings are so tough.

maybe, just maybe, i should turn off my emotions and stone my way through life.

then life would be no fun. humans were given feelings and wants for a reason.

xuemiao, he's really not bad looking at all. he's much better looking than me.
looks like you two should never, could never have broken apart.

and ppl like me, who stand no chance against him, who cant come close to you, who's scared stiff of coming near you, who's become so afraid of doing something wrong to you...

what can i do? i cant do anyth for you. you're tired. you have others to depend on. you have your life. i'm so insignificant in it. you dont bring your file anymore, i cant help you that much.

i dont even dare to help you, or take same train with you.

where can i draw the line between friendship and chasing, when both actions feel like drawing two ppl closer?

haha. xuemiao you know i still like you.

i just cant bring myself to tell you that i kinda gave up on forgetting you.
it'll go away when its time.
but i'm not about to chase after you, i just wanna be good friends.
i'm greedy.
what i have isnt enough.

i know you have your own life.
but i'd love to be a bigger part of it.

i just dont have the guts to tell you.

xuemiao, what would you do if you were me? :/

if i dont like you anymore explain that slight bit of jealousy i feel when you talk about someone else.

i can do it, just a bit more.

one whole day without having to run crying for you.

slowly, i'll learn to let go of you.

actually i really don't want to.
you're one of those people who are the most similar to me.
if i let you go... i may never find someone like you.

even though there's a lot of things that we're different in, in some parts, we're really really similar.
but maybe i'm just biased.

i hope its for the better.
and that you find someone worthy.

kinda feels like i screwed up big time. :/

last night i dreamt of being stabbed in the stomach.

and when i drank water and ate food, it began to leak out from my wound, even though i didnt remove the blade.

it seriously hurts though.

you know what, girl.

its only been 1 day.

but i really miss not having you around anymore. seriously.

even if i might not be in love with you, i still miss you.

i miss having someone always there to talk to me.

someone whose some parts of their soul matches with mine, who has similar personality as me.

she went to ij, he went to poly, she's always busy, he's away at work.

and now, you also have to go.

this distance is seriously hurting me, even though i know i can live without you.
you also know how it feels for someone to suddenly go away...
you also know how it feels if someone asked to be a little more distant...
even though i need it, even though you need it...

sometimes what we need is what hurts us the most.
but sometimes what we need is actually not what we need.

if missing is a sign of love, then i don't want to forget you.
cause i'd love you from when my eyes open to just before my eyes close.

____________

gpp sucks-.-

i wonder if i'm doing things the right way? you know, like everytime you take a step, do you check everytime if you're going in the right direction? only god knows in the end. i feel myself distancing too much from what matters to me, here, now and my future. still very unsure.

reading stories on xm's blog so fun, yeah. but then, what ami able to do? all stories in the world are nothing compared to the truth of the world. so what is the truth?


i shld just not think so much. (: and yet not become an idiot.

optimist, optimist. today will be better than ytd.

everything feels different nowadays, when everything has changed. whats it like to be in the past, i wonder. i miss my older self. i'm doing things that i never did before, and i stopped doing things i always did before. if change is the only thing constant, people like me will forever feel out of place.

unsurety is part of life, i wonder how i can cope with all this. when you suddenly find that everyth isnt the same anymore, when those close to you have gone far away, then how will you survive yourself? or are you really yourself?

end of sec 4 sucked for me. i lost touch with what was supposed to be the best class in the school. now that i'm in jc i'm jealous that everyone else has a nice past to look back onto. when i look back what do i see? fights, scuffles, disagreements. over class tee, over birthdays, over funny funny and weird weird things. insensitivity. whatever man. i just hate it, to the max. there's still 1001 things, unpleasant things, that stand out so much in my sec4 life. what happened, huh?

am i determined to make jc life more socially better for me? i'm not sure. it dont look like it will be that promising. but then, it dont look like it will fall apart either. the one who makes that difference will be me. whether i choose to stay or go, to change back into a ghost or to become a human and mingle around, losing my soul slowly.

whatever it is, forgetting is a part of life. i may have forgiven her but i can never forget, cos she hasnt forgiven me, and i still cant watch a wushu performance without remembering. it still feels damn weird and uncomfortable.

then again, i can choose to rmb all the bad stuff, or i may choose to look forward to a brighter future that i shape for myself. how long do i want to sit here and rot. -.- and wait for something good to happen.

5 years ago mum always said that teenagers always do their soul searching. i thought i'd never have to go through it. but in the end, i'm no different. where, who, what is my soul. what makes me myself and i. what i'll do. what my principles are. or i can just not make everyth so complicated and live life for the present, losing certain futures and past.

huh. feels damn weird ttm. i'm not loving it this way.

never feeling it before doesnt mean i won't get hurt. shall i continue on even though i already know the answer, and so many are telling me that what i do is useless? should i even push on despite the odds? if there's a 1 in a million chance should i still push for it?