what happens when I no longer feel close to anyone at all?
I dont know anyone well at all, not even my family.
this isnt going well at all. it kinda feels like I have nobody to talk to. nobody who I can just put everyth on and not be afraid. and that i'm willing to do th same for. a close friend in a time of need. :/
I want a friend again. someone like what celine, sean, kavin, yuanjye, kc, who ever else, used to be. not a replacement. just... a person I can be close to.
allahu laa illahu hu wal hayyul qayyum, laa tak khuzhuhu shinatuw wa la nawm. lahu maa fis samawaati wa maa fil ardh. man dzal ladzi yashfauu indahuu illaa bi idznih, ya'lamu maa bayna ai dee him wa maa khalfahum, wa laa yuHiitu nabi syai im min ilmihi il laa bi maa syaak. wasia' kursiyyu hus samawaati, wa maa ya urdhuhu Hifzhuhuma wahuwal a'liyyul azhim.
FW:
From: hilmiba852@hotmail.com
To: hilmiba852.myblogposts@blogspot.com
Subject:
Date: Thu, 2 Sep 2010 00:03:57 +0800
Test post
i cant keep going on like this. i need to change. i need to stop being like this. i want so many things back, i want to go back to being what i was 4 years ago. without the violence and emo. just the strong, optimistic, hardworking, enthu young kid. with my maturity now.
it SUCKS to have to hide your feelings.
it SUCKS to play and lose all the time, cos you're not concentrating. back to bed.
0 work done today.
it SUCKS to have to hide your feelings.
it SUCKS to play and lose all the time, cos you're not concentrating. back to bed.
0 work done today.
i found him.
i feel like i've seen someth i shldnt have.
it kinda hurts, to see this kinda thing. but i cant possibly come running to xuemiao cos of this. we're both tired today. and cel is tired too, i dont wanna disturb her. sean's busy too.
i have nobody to turn to, or i dont know who to turn to.
i dont know what to say even if i did.
these feelings are so tough.
maybe, just maybe, i should turn off my emotions and stone my way through life.
then life would be no fun. humans were given feelings and wants for a reason.
xuemiao, he's really not bad looking at all. he's much better looking than me.
looks like you two should never, could never have broken apart.
and ppl like me, who stand no chance against him, who cant come close to you, who's scared stiff of coming near you, who's become so afraid of doing something wrong to you...
what can i do? i cant do anyth for you. you're tired. you have others to depend on. you have your life. i'm so insignificant in it. you dont bring your file anymore, i cant help you that much.
i dont even dare to help you, or take same train with you.
where can i draw the line between friendship and chasing, when both actions feel like drawing two ppl closer?
i feel like i've seen someth i shldnt have.
it kinda hurts, to see this kinda thing. but i cant possibly come running to xuemiao cos of this. we're both tired today. and cel is tired too, i dont wanna disturb her. sean's busy too.
i have nobody to turn to, or i dont know who to turn to.
i dont know what to say even if i did.
these feelings are so tough.
maybe, just maybe, i should turn off my emotions and stone my way through life.
then life would be no fun. humans were given feelings and wants for a reason.
xuemiao, he's really not bad looking at all. he's much better looking than me.
looks like you two should never, could never have broken apart.
and ppl like me, who stand no chance against him, who cant come close to you, who's scared stiff of coming near you, who's become so afraid of doing something wrong to you...
what can i do? i cant do anyth for you. you're tired. you have others to depend on. you have your life. i'm so insignificant in it. you dont bring your file anymore, i cant help you that much.
i dont even dare to help you, or take same train with you.
where can i draw the line between friendship and chasing, when both actions feel like drawing two ppl closer?
haha. xuemiao you know i still like you.
i just cant bring myself to tell you that i kinda gave up on forgetting you.
it'll go away when its time.
but i'm not about to chase after you, i just wanna be good friends.
i'm greedy.
what i have isnt enough.
i know you have your own life.
but i'd love to be a bigger part of it.
i just dont have the guts to tell you.
xuemiao, what would you do if you were me? :/
i just cant bring myself to tell you that i kinda gave up on forgetting you.
it'll go away when its time.
but i'm not about to chase after you, i just wanna be good friends.
i'm greedy.
what i have isnt enough.
i know you have your own life.
but i'd love to be a bigger part of it.
i just dont have the guts to tell you.
xuemiao, what would you do if you were me? :/
slowly, i'll learn to let go of you.
actually i really don't want to.
you're one of those people who are the most similar to me.
if i let you go... i may never find someone like you.
even though there's a lot of things that we're different in, in some parts, we're really really similar.
but maybe i'm just biased.
i hope its for the better.
and that you find someone worthy.
actually i really don't want to.
you're one of those people who are the most similar to me.
if i let you go... i may never find someone like you.
even though there's a lot of things that we're different in, in some parts, we're really really similar.
but maybe i'm just biased.
i hope its for the better.
and that you find someone worthy.
you know what, girl.
its only been 1 day.
but i really miss not having you around anymore. seriously.
even if i might not be in love with you, i still miss you.
i miss having someone always there to talk to me.
someone whose some parts of their soul matches with mine, who has similar personality as me.
she went to ij, he went to poly, she's always busy, he's away at work.
and now, you also have to go.
this distance is seriously hurting me, even though i know i can live without you.
you also know how it feels for someone to suddenly go away...
you also know how it feels if someone asked to be a little more distant...
even though i need it, even though you need it...
sometimes what we need is what hurts us the most.
but sometimes what we need is actually not what we need.
if missing is a sign of love, then i don't want to forget you.
cause i'd love you from when my eyes open to just before my eyes close.
____________
gpp sucks-.-
its only been 1 day.
but i really miss not having you around anymore. seriously.
even if i might not be in love with you, i still miss you.
i miss having someone always there to talk to me.
someone whose some parts of their soul matches with mine, who has similar personality as me.
she went to ij, he went to poly, she's always busy, he's away at work.
and now, you also have to go.
this distance is seriously hurting me, even though i know i can live without you.
you also know how it feels for someone to suddenly go away...
you also know how it feels if someone asked to be a little more distant...
even though i need it, even though you need it...
sometimes what we need is what hurts us the most.
but sometimes what we need is actually not what we need.
if missing is a sign of love, then i don't want to forget you.
cause i'd love you from when my eyes open to just before my eyes close.
____________
gpp sucks-.-
i wonder if i'm doing things the right way? you know, like everytime you take a step, do you check everytime if you're going in the right direction? only god knows in the end. i feel myself distancing too much from what matters to me, here, now and my future. still very unsure.
reading stories on xm's blog so fun, yeah. but then, what ami able to do? all stories in the world are nothing compared to the truth of the world. so what is the truth?
i shld just not think so much. (: and yet not become an idiot.
optimist, optimist. today will be better than ytd.
reading stories on xm's blog so fun, yeah. but then, what ami able to do? all stories in the world are nothing compared to the truth of the world. so what is the truth?
i shld just not think so much. (: and yet not become an idiot.
optimist, optimist. today will be better than ytd.
everything feels different nowadays, when everything has changed. whats it like to be in the past, i wonder. i miss my older self. i'm doing things that i never did before, and i stopped doing things i always did before. if change is the only thing constant, people like me will forever feel out of place.
unsurety is part of life, i wonder how i can cope with all this. when you suddenly find that everyth isnt the same anymore, when those close to you have gone far away, then how will you survive yourself? or are you really yourself?
end of sec 4 sucked for me. i lost touch with what was supposed to be the best class in the school. now that i'm in jc i'm jealous that everyone else has a nice past to look back onto. when i look back what do i see? fights, scuffles, disagreements. over class tee, over birthdays, over funny funny and weird weird things. insensitivity. whatever man. i just hate it, to the max. there's still 1001 things, unpleasant things, that stand out so much in my sec4 life. what happened, huh?
am i determined to make jc life more socially better for me? i'm not sure. it dont look like it will be that promising. but then, it dont look like it will fall apart either. the one who makes that difference will be me. whether i choose to stay or go, to change back into a ghost or to become a human and mingle around, losing my soul slowly.
whatever it is, forgetting is a part of life. i may have forgiven her but i can never forget, cos she hasnt forgiven me, and i still cant watch a wushu performance without remembering. it still feels damn weird and uncomfortable.
then again, i can choose to rmb all the bad stuff, or i may choose to look forward to a brighter future that i shape for myself. how long do i want to sit here and rot. -.- and wait for something good to happen.
5 years ago mum always said that teenagers always do their soul searching. i thought i'd never have to go through it. but in the end, i'm no different. where, who, what is my soul. what makes me myself and i. what i'll do. what my principles are. or i can just not make everyth so complicated and live life for the present, losing certain futures and past.
huh. feels damn weird ttm. i'm not loving it this way.
unsurety is part of life, i wonder how i can cope with all this. when you suddenly find that everyth isnt the same anymore, when those close to you have gone far away, then how will you survive yourself? or are you really yourself?
end of sec 4 sucked for me. i lost touch with what was supposed to be the best class in the school. now that i'm in jc i'm jealous that everyone else has a nice past to look back onto. when i look back what do i see? fights, scuffles, disagreements. over class tee, over birthdays, over funny funny and weird weird things. insensitivity. whatever man. i just hate it, to the max. there's still 1001 things, unpleasant things, that stand out so much in my sec4 life. what happened, huh?
am i determined to make jc life more socially better for me? i'm not sure. it dont look like it will be that promising. but then, it dont look like it will fall apart either. the one who makes that difference will be me. whether i choose to stay or go, to change back into a ghost or to become a human and mingle around, losing my soul slowly.
whatever it is, forgetting is a part of life. i may have forgiven her but i can never forget, cos she hasnt forgiven me, and i still cant watch a wushu performance without remembering. it still feels damn weird and uncomfortable.
then again, i can choose to rmb all the bad stuff, or i may choose to look forward to a brighter future that i shape for myself. how long do i want to sit here and rot. -.- and wait for something good to happen.
5 years ago mum always said that teenagers always do their soul searching. i thought i'd never have to go through it. but in the end, i'm no different. where, who, what is my soul. what makes me myself and i. what i'll do. what my principles are. or i can just not make everyth so complicated and live life for the present, losing certain futures and past.
huh. feels damn weird ttm. i'm not loving it this way.
looking up at you, you seem so far away.
lost in your own world, but its your own world that you fear.
as you hide in your comfort zone, things passing by cause you to cower.
and you try to avoid these by feigning ignorance.
you are nothing like her.
nothing like the one i used to like.
incomparable, incomprehensible, forever out of reach.
two days ago i watched wall-e. wtf, gay show.
or thats what i thought.
i think that the expression of love and freedom in the movie is incomparable and incomprehensible.
unrequitedness in the face of adversity.
humanity despite heartlessness.
this are the things people lack these days.
after a year and a half serving her, i don't feel any smarter.
despite the marvelousness of the show, it fails to touch on one point.
jealousy.
when there is no challenge, humans will become ineffecient, useless, rubbish.
when there is too much of a challenge, it breeds a violent, deadly race brimming with hateful killing intent, when unguided.
but hey, wall-e's not exactly human.
well then, neither am i.
lost in your own world, but its your own world that you fear.
as you hide in your comfort zone, things passing by cause you to cower.
and you try to avoid these by feigning ignorance.
you are nothing like her.
nothing like the one i used to like.
incomparable, incomprehensible, forever out of reach.
two days ago i watched wall-e. wtf, gay show.
or thats what i thought.
i think that the expression of love and freedom in the movie is incomparable and incomprehensible.
unrequitedness in the face of adversity.
humanity despite heartlessness.
this are the things people lack these days.
after a year and a half serving her, i don't feel any smarter.
despite the marvelousness of the show, it fails to touch on one point.
jealousy.
when there is no challenge, humans will become ineffecient, useless, rubbish.
when there is too much of a challenge, it breeds a violent, deadly race brimming with hateful killing intent, when unguided.
but hey, wall-e's not exactly human.
well then, neither am i.
what can you do if she's better than you?
how do you win an elitist's heart with a peasant grade soul?
can you endure the pains of nobility that a serf cannot understand?
what would you do if he's lower than you?
will you allow your excellence to get the better of you?
can you endure the suffering a commoner goes through?
a pained smile on this servant's face,
a glare from his higher he cannot erase.
how can one so low and commonplace,
seek to reach the greater outer space?
yet does the higher remember all the pains she took
to reach for the higher place from which she looks
treachery,cunning,self-righteousness and scheming
all for that place atop the ceiling?
a life of crime redeemed with a single action?
a greatness, tainted by bad perception?
a hallowed word, soile by misinterpretation?
loving words, rotting with miscommunication?
how is it that one so easily divides,
the world into rich and poor resides,
where one may do whatever he likes,
and the other, not strong enough to fight for his rights.
and those who claim to struggle for truth
so lordly and high up, through the roof
can they be trusted?
are they all saints?
and when we uncover the truth do we say?
"oh, what a wonderful man,
donates a million, straight out of his hand"
when in his swiss back he has billions more
all hoarded up like a dragons store.
delight! defiance! some struggle to show
that people like this are not worth their goal
to attain lofty heights one must realize
that their humanity is the only price.
how do you win an elitist's heart with a peasant grade soul?
can you endure the pains of nobility that a serf cannot understand?
what would you do if he's lower than you?
will you allow your excellence to get the better of you?
can you endure the suffering a commoner goes through?
a pained smile on this servant's face,
a glare from his higher he cannot erase.
how can one so low and commonplace,
seek to reach the greater outer space?
yet does the higher remember all the pains she took
to reach for the higher place from which she looks
treachery,cunning,self-righteousness and scheming
all for that place atop the ceiling?
a life of crime redeemed with a single action?
a greatness, tainted by bad perception?
a hallowed word, soile by misinterpretation?
loving words, rotting with miscommunication?
how is it that one so easily divides,
the world into rich and poor resides,
where one may do whatever he likes,
and the other, not strong enough to fight for his rights.
and those who claim to struggle for truth
so lordly and high up, through the roof
can they be trusted?
are they all saints?
and when we uncover the truth do we say?
"oh, what a wonderful man,
donates a million, straight out of his hand"
when in his swiss back he has billions more
all hoarded up like a dragons store.
delight! defiance! some struggle to show
that people like this are not worth their goal
to attain lofty heights one must realize
that their humanity is the only price.
missing out on the final night.
i got the best sms i ever had last night.
"eh ba, dun emo. i will never forget you."
unfortunately, it was from a guy.
yeah, you 10ppl, i won't forget you either.
i got a blessing this morning.
i caught the final traces of the meteor shower at its peak.
because the area was too bright, i only saw a small glimpse.
but that's payment enough to me, for missing out a final night with others.
"eh ba, dun emo. i will never forget you."
unfortunately, it was from a guy.
yeah, you 10ppl, i won't forget you either.
i got a blessing this morning.
i caught the final traces of the meteor shower at its peak.
because the area was too bright, i only saw a small glimpse.
but that's payment enough to me, for missing out a final night with others.
i'm afraid, i'm unhappy, i'm dissatisfied.
what can i do?
what is there to do?
i cant answer that question.(not those up there)
i cant answer it.
i dunno what to do, i don't know.
AAAAAAAAAAAARGH.
who guards the exguardian?
when everyone else is in a world of their own making, where do the rest turn to?
i can never understand how others think in the end.
what can i do?
what is there to do?
i cant answer that question.(not those up there)
i cant answer it.
i dunno what to do, i don't know.
AAAAAAAAAAAARGH.
who guards the exguardian?
when everyone else is in a world of their own making, where do the rest turn to?
i can never understand how others think in the end.
a lot of things that once held a very impt meaning to me have swept past me.
things that once i held so dearly lies tattered in the deepest sorrows of my wallet.
things that i once protected like a dragon and worked tirelessly for, lies broken by my own actions.
the people i once respected become disgraced and i look at them with disdain.
those who i once loved to be close to are now so far out of reach, they're in their own world while i have no where to go.
last year, i thought to myself.
wouldn't it be good to be alone?
nobody could break my heart, since there was nobody.
nobody could betray me, since there was nobody.
nobody could do anything to me.
and its come true.
but...
nobody being here breaks my heart.
nobody betraying me makes me dull.
nobody doing anything to or for me makes me... sad.
saw this at a once close friend's blog today.
it goes something like ,"the saddest person is one who is sad but smiles and says "i'm happy for you" " or something like that.
no wonder i'm always emo, i refuse to accept my own sadness.
no wonder i'm unstable. happy like hell also won't make me even.
to me, maybe i'll learn something from this.
that when you think you're too good, you become the stupidest person ever.
i think, i should stop moping around.
i have things to return to my classmates.
things that once i held so dearly lies tattered in the deepest sorrows of my wallet.
things that i once protected like a dragon and worked tirelessly for, lies broken by my own actions.
the people i once respected become disgraced and i look at them with disdain.
those who i once loved to be close to are now so far out of reach, they're in their own world while i have no where to go.
last year, i thought to myself.
wouldn't it be good to be alone?
nobody could break my heart, since there was nobody.
nobody could betray me, since there was nobody.
nobody could do anything to me.
and its come true.
but...
nobody being here breaks my heart.
nobody betraying me makes me dull.
nobody doing anything to or for me makes me... sad.
saw this at a once close friend's blog today.
it goes something like ,"the saddest person is one who is sad but smiles and says "i'm happy for you" " or something like that.
no wonder i'm always emo, i refuse to accept my own sadness.
no wonder i'm unstable. happy like hell also won't make me even.
to me, maybe i'll learn something from this.
that when you think you're too good, you become the stupidest person ever.
i think, i should stop moping around.
i have things to return to my classmates.
cut off by choice.
i might as well have no handphone.
think about this statement:
you have no messages because you don't send any.
it used to make sense to me.
then i thought, wait a minute, it doesn't.
what if only you had a handphone? no matter what you send or to who, nobody will reply you.
then, if you send a message, the other receives it, but they didn't send a message.
this statement is flawed. it was what i used to keep myself away from my phone.
lately i've been in isolation.
ever since my outburst last last week, then running off all of a sudden, i haven't been stable yet.
i guess it's really dumb, but i'm jammed in my revert mode. and i'm afraid i'll hurt more people, so...
i dunno.
i always thought being a loner was okay, its not so bad. but for a guy who's tasted freedom in friends and family, isolation hurts a lot. i wonder how she lived through it. 2 shes and one he.
with almost no social life and an unhappy life too.
i saw someone like that, i think. i had a friend from primary sch.
he lost his mother.
i have 2 friends like that, but i kinda lost contact w both.
well this guy, his sister helps out at thier family store. selling fish at the pasar.
most girls her age would go "eee,eee, fish" to the point i'd slap them and say "its just a god damn fish. so what if it smells".
most girls her age wear make up and go out with guys so handsome you'd think they were 21.
or with guys so gay you'd think they were foreigners.
she can't do that.
when you look at people like her, you feel... unsettled.
her face has a silent power in it, something that has resigned to a sad, unhappy fate.
i saw the same face last year on someone i used to know.
her face, is the most beautiful i've ever seen, other than my mother's.
someone has taken that place, finally.
but then, i might seem a little bad. think about it, the only thing that's ever attracted me is a show of deep sorrow. i'm... like a fly.
i only land on dead rotting flesh.
isit worth it, being so lively and smart, having all the comforts you ever wanted and yeah, yeah, i'm living the high life (muthukal sirikum nilaithil thikthikkum ninaipai viraikil).
i want to live poor.
but have a lot of money.
i'll work for my family's security, and not for personal gain.
how can someone smile again when they know others are suffering when they are laughing?
that 4/2 indian may laugh, (not you 10) , but i wonder if everytime he teased me and dissed my ideas and notions as weird or strange, has he ever thought about it and asked himself what he would do to help them? or are girls the only thing he thinks about?
think about this statement:
you have no messages because you don't send any.
it used to make sense to me.
then i thought, wait a minute, it doesn't.
what if only you had a handphone? no matter what you send or to who, nobody will reply you.
then, if you send a message, the other receives it, but they didn't send a message.
this statement is flawed. it was what i used to keep myself away from my phone.
lately i've been in isolation.
ever since my outburst last last week, then running off all of a sudden, i haven't been stable yet.
i guess it's really dumb, but i'm jammed in my revert mode. and i'm afraid i'll hurt more people, so...
i dunno.
i always thought being a loner was okay, its not so bad. but for a guy who's tasted freedom in friends and family, isolation hurts a lot. i wonder how she lived through it. 2 shes and one he.
with almost no social life and an unhappy life too.
i saw someone like that, i think. i had a friend from primary sch.
he lost his mother.
i have 2 friends like that, but i kinda lost contact w both.
well this guy, his sister helps out at thier family store. selling fish at the pasar.
most girls her age would go "eee,eee, fish" to the point i'd slap them and say "its just a god damn fish. so what if it smells".
most girls her age wear make up and go out with guys so handsome you'd think they were 21.
or with guys so gay you'd think they were foreigners.
she can't do that.
when you look at people like her, you feel... unsettled.
her face has a silent power in it, something that has resigned to a sad, unhappy fate.
i saw the same face last year on someone i used to know.
her face, is the most beautiful i've ever seen, other than my mother's.
someone has taken that place, finally.
but then, i might seem a little bad. think about it, the only thing that's ever attracted me is a show of deep sorrow. i'm... like a fly.
i only land on dead rotting flesh.
isit worth it, being so lively and smart, having all the comforts you ever wanted and yeah, yeah, i'm living the high life (muthukal sirikum nilaithil thikthikkum ninaipai viraikil).
i want to live poor.
but have a lot of money.
i'll work for my family's security, and not for personal gain.
how can someone smile again when they know others are suffering when they are laughing?
that 4/2 indian may laugh, (not you 10) , but i wonder if everytime he teased me and dissed my ideas and notions as weird or strange, has he ever thought about it and asked himself what he would do to help them? or are girls the only thing he thinks about?
some things....
just cannot be forgiven.
when you become blinded, how do you see?
yeah. i don't believe in saints, so you guys aren't saints.
let me be honest with you.
_______________________
actually, i never thought of myself as part of you guys.
do you know the way some people look down on themselves, i do it routinely as well.
it hurts a lot, thats why i do it.
last time...
blonde(i dwan use your name-.- but i dunno wad to put. so i use wad yj says.) invited me to go study with you guys, so i took it up. because i'd get to feel her presence.
at that time, i didn't even dare to look at her.
i mean like, i already got told off so many times. yet i still repeat my mistake?
and now blonde asks me to go study with you guys?
half of me wants to go. the other half dunwan, cos he's afraid.
but i went anw.
i lied to myself, saying that if i go cos blonde goes, then i won't be going just to see her. then i have a reason to go.
as time passed, i managed to be able to look at her without worrying. cos i really went to study. no need to lie to myself anymore.
even so, you guys only talk in chinese. and i know from the start that i'm not included in you guys' crowd. i'm just extra.
to me, it don't matter what language you talk in, who's in the group or where you guys study or even if you include me.
i cant feel left out if i'm not one of you guys.
from the start, ever since june i haven't allied with any group in class. i'm not in the ctrl clique, i'm not anti and i'm not in the crowd.
i'm just alone.
but its like, i wanna play piano, but eventually sh plays it, and i obviously give in. duh, how can i not. if i dun force yj out of the piano wad right do i have to force others out. no offence.
i wanna sit amongst you guys, but you'll be talking over me. and with my vocab i can barely understand what you guys say. barely.
i'm always afraid, cos i never thought i was part of you guys.
like i'm just a guest?
wad if i get pushed out like yp?lol-.-
ignore that.
then, ytd i did something very very wrong to someone, not in our sch.
i felt super ashamed. it was extremely wrong, and i didn't dare go apologise.
to tell you th truth, i was avoiding you guys.
i'm afraid of my own temper.
i wasnt stable today. whoever i'm thinking of becomes the cause of my problems, that's what it means.
but heck, i've been like that for 3 months. it shouldnt be any different, right?
wrong. if i open up a memory box in which my most treasured memories lie, they become corrupted. and i had the open the one which reminds me of this.
"Friends?"
"i cant be your friend yet."
"okay, classmates then."
rmb this?
and thats why i became like that.
this memory was super painful to me.
cos of my stupidity.
and ignorance, blindness.
and in the end i affected you guys.
tc spotted me at the ish today(wednesday).
i was silently emoing to try and stay away from things that could make me think.
but the basketball court's there. how can i not think?
and the three bands sh wore were there too.
its like igniting the fuel in the engine.
___________________________
so, its my fault.
i really ruined your (you all) day today.
it doesnt involve any of you at all.
i'm just blind, as usual.
i won't be walking off anymore.
just cannot be forgiven.
when you become blinded, how do you see?
yeah. i don't believe in saints, so you guys aren't saints.
let me be honest with you.
_______________________
actually, i never thought of myself as part of you guys.
do you know the way some people look down on themselves, i do it routinely as well.
it hurts a lot, thats why i do it.
last time...
blonde(i dwan use your name-.- but i dunno wad to put. so i use wad yj says.) invited me to go study with you guys, so i took it up. because i'd get to feel her presence.
at that time, i didn't even dare to look at her.
i mean like, i already got told off so many times. yet i still repeat my mistake?
and now blonde asks me to go study with you guys?
half of me wants to go. the other half dunwan, cos he's afraid.
but i went anw.
i lied to myself, saying that if i go cos blonde goes, then i won't be going just to see her. then i have a reason to go.
as time passed, i managed to be able to look at her without worrying. cos i really went to study. no need to lie to myself anymore.
even so, you guys only talk in chinese. and i know from the start that i'm not included in you guys' crowd. i'm just extra.
to me, it don't matter what language you talk in, who's in the group or where you guys study or even if you include me.
i cant feel left out if i'm not one of you guys.
from the start, ever since june i haven't allied with any group in class. i'm not in the ctrl clique, i'm not anti and i'm not in the crowd.
i'm just alone.
but its like, i wanna play piano, but eventually sh plays it, and i obviously give in. duh, how can i not. if i dun force yj out of the piano wad right do i have to force others out. no offence.
i wanna sit amongst you guys, but you'll be talking over me. and with my vocab i can barely understand what you guys say. barely.
i'm always afraid, cos i never thought i was part of you guys.
like i'm just a guest?
wad if i get pushed out like yp?lol-.-
ignore that.
then, ytd i did something very very wrong to someone, not in our sch.
i felt super ashamed. it was extremely wrong, and i didn't dare go apologise.
to tell you th truth, i was avoiding you guys.
i'm afraid of my own temper.
i wasnt stable today. whoever i'm thinking of becomes the cause of my problems, that's what it means.
but heck, i've been like that for 3 months. it shouldnt be any different, right?
wrong. if i open up a memory box in which my most treasured memories lie, they become corrupted. and i had the open the one which reminds me of this.
"Friends?"
"i cant be your friend yet."
"okay, classmates then."
rmb this?
and thats why i became like that.
this memory was super painful to me.
cos of my stupidity.
and ignorance, blindness.
and in the end i affected you guys.
tc spotted me at the ish today(wednesday).
i was silently emoing to try and stay away from things that could make me think.
but the basketball court's there. how can i not think?
and the three bands sh wore were there too.
its like igniting the fuel in the engine.
___________________________
so, its my fault.
i really ruined your (you all) day today.
it doesnt involve any of you at all.
i'm just blind, as usual.
i won't be walking off anymore.
i can put back all th pieces, they just might not fit the same.
its just retarded and stupid.
one question.
one game.
one pass,
one shot,
one basket.
(onemanga-.- sidetrack, lol)
one spam.
one train.
one waste time,
one clip,
one maths paper.
one day,
one last tchrs day concert.
one last thing i regret the most for now.
is to ever doubt helping you, 6 months ago.
thanks to that, i'm this unstable thing everyone sees, wow.
hell. time to get back up. alone.
isn't it normal for me?
to choose to walk my own path, instead of floating arnd others?
i must be off target.
for 6months-.-
one question.
one game.
one pass,
one shot,
one basket.
(onemanga-.- sidetrack, lol)
one spam.
one train.
one waste time,
one clip,
one maths paper.
one day,
one last tchrs day concert.
one last thing i regret the most for now.
is to ever doubt helping you, 6 months ago.
thanks to that, i'm this unstable thing everyone sees, wow.
hell. time to get back up. alone.
isn't it normal for me?
to choose to walk my own path, instead of floating arnd others?
i must be off target.
for 6months-.-
one day, i saw someone very pretty.
she was mild mannered and quiet, but she had a fiery temper you could feel burning gently while sitting near her.(no, its not you, so don't worry-.-)
she was kinda cute (minus ugly) when she was angry.
she was short and had short hair, but she was really strong. for a girl.
she was also very smart.
sitting beside her for two years, i learnt very little about her because she said very little. everything was serious, because i'm tongue tied around girls. even until now.
we were friends, but our closeness would only be for distance, not for friendship.
after all this time of hating, disliking and scorning her, i think i kinda start to know how she felt.
there are always two sides to a story.
all this while, i only knew the story of my pain and suffering losing a friend.
i never found out how she felt about it.
i never figured out how she must have been troubled by an idiot spamming her with msgs that don't make sense.
i never figured out how it felt to be tailed all over the place.
thinking that its so smart, the frog dies of its stupidity.
it fails to feel the water boiling gently under its own skin.
if i could, i'd apologise.
but there's nothing to say, i guess.
when my sin of being ignorant goes unrealised, so many things happen without me seeing.
i should start thinking of others more, in the right way.
i'm not the centre of everything, other than myself.
i'm just being inconsiderate if i dont think of others.
right now, as i type all this, i wonder how my life would have been different without that genius in and out of my life.
its the last year in this sch.
it really sucked big time this last year.
but i was ignorant for 3 years.
now that i see more, its feels much lighter, much better.
there's so many wrongs i wanna right, but i'm not superman.
i can only try.
and it won't always work, it may turn out for the worst.
forgive me please?
i know i've wronged you.
and that you havent forgiven me ever since 2 years ago.
like teck said, i shouldnt leave this school with regrets.
she was mild mannered and quiet, but she had a fiery temper you could feel burning gently while sitting near her.(no, its not you, so don't worry-.-)
she was kinda cute (minus ugly) when she was angry.
she was short and had short hair, but she was really strong. for a girl.
she was also very smart.
sitting beside her for two years, i learnt very little about her because she said very little. everything was serious, because i'm tongue tied around girls. even until now.
we were friends, but our closeness would only be for distance, not for friendship.
after all this time of hating, disliking and scorning her, i think i kinda start to know how she felt.
there are always two sides to a story.
all this while, i only knew the story of my pain and suffering losing a friend.
i never found out how she felt about it.
i never figured out how she must have been troubled by an idiot spamming her with msgs that don't make sense.
i never figured out how it felt to be tailed all over the place.
thinking that its so smart, the frog dies of its stupidity.
it fails to feel the water boiling gently under its own skin.
if i could, i'd apologise.
but there's nothing to say, i guess.
when my sin of being ignorant goes unrealised, so many things happen without me seeing.
i should start thinking of others more, in the right way.
i'm not the centre of everything, other than myself.
i'm just being inconsiderate if i dont think of others.
right now, as i type all this, i wonder how my life would have been different without that genius in and out of my life.
its the last year in this sch.
it really sucked big time this last year.
but i was ignorant for 3 years.
now that i see more, its feels much lighter, much better.
there's so many wrongs i wanna right, but i'm not superman.
i can only try.
and it won't always work, it may turn out for the worst.
forgive me please?
i know i've wronged you.
and that you havent forgiven me ever since 2 years ago.
like teck said, i shouldnt leave this school with regrets.
its not fun. its me.
its...a little better now. to me.
maybe, if i hadn't been so self righteous i'd have seen my own mistakes. lol.
but its kinda late to think of that. so, lets make things better for me.
its...kinda sad. everything passes your way just once.
trying to grasp it so tight, water will still slip through. i understand it now.
i wrote things on the board today. maybe if i had written more, everyth would be different.
i just... you know. i really miss the close bond we shared, but i know i cant, cant ever have it back again. yet i still hope against hope, that i may get it back. thats why its sick. it just...makes my day seem so sad.
hey you, thanks for talking to me. i'm not sure how you feel... but i do feel a bit lighter that i got to talk to you. so, thanks a lot.
syz told me today not to look down on myself.
i've been doing that forever.
i'm always afraid i might think that i'm too good. and it happened anyway.
i want...to be your friend again. when i'm able to hold myself together.
but you probably won't see this. and you probably wouldnt want to talk to me anymore.
its understandable, cos i keep giving you problems.
i could wallow in self pity forever.
but now, its time to get up.
someone lend me a hand? i'm not alone, am i?
or do i suck so much that iive always been alone?
maybe, if i hadn't been so self righteous i'd have seen my own mistakes. lol.
but its kinda late to think of that. so, lets make things better for me.
its...kinda sad. everything passes your way just once.
trying to grasp it so tight, water will still slip through. i understand it now.
i wrote things on the board today. maybe if i had written more, everyth would be different.
i just... you know. i really miss the close bond we shared, but i know i cant, cant ever have it back again. yet i still hope against hope, that i may get it back. thats why its sick. it just...makes my day seem so sad.
hey you, thanks for talking to me. i'm not sure how you feel... but i do feel a bit lighter that i got to talk to you. so, thanks a lot.
syz told me today not to look down on myself.
i've been doing that forever.
i'm always afraid i might think that i'm too good. and it happened anyway.
i want...to be your friend again. when i'm able to hold myself together.
but you probably won't see this. and you probably wouldnt want to talk to me anymore.
its understandable, cos i keep giving you problems.
i could wallow in self pity forever.
but now, its time to get up.
someone lend me a hand? i'm not alone, am i?
or do i suck so much that iive always been alone?
mirror post.
when its over, its over. i just gotta force myself to accept it.
isnt it great that its over?
now i can finally relax, knowing that i'm not wanted, and i'm free to go?
isnt it fun that i can join the fun loving nm who also stay and seem to do more?
isnt it fun that i get to go with other new people instead of hanging out with people i'm used to?
i feel so great.
so shiok.
its great to be like this, to be disliked by the people who dislike me and able to join others who will acknowledge my prescence. with compliments.
i cant wait to study again.
its a mirror post. what a great liar.
i'm sure my absence won't be missed by anyone.
dust in the corner of the room doesnt fill it when its there, doesnt empty it if its not.
isnt it great that its over?
now i can finally relax, knowing that i'm not wanted, and i'm free to go?
isnt it fun that i can join the fun loving nm who also stay and seem to do more?
isnt it fun that i get to go with other new people instead of hanging out with people i'm used to?
i feel so great.
so shiok.
its great to be like this, to be disliked by the people who dislike me and able to join others who will acknowledge my prescence. with compliments.
i cant wait to study again.
its a mirror post. what a great liar.
i'm sure my absence won't be missed by anyone.
dust in the corner of the room doesnt fill it when its there, doesnt empty it if its not.
the thing about people like me is they regret too much.
you know, no matter how much i miss anyone or regret anyth i don't show it. it takes a mass of analysis to see through me. why do i have to do that kind of thing...
i really really miss her as a friend, but it just seems to me that i cant do anyth right. i cant look at her without weighing her down so bad, i cant help her from behind the screens like what i did before, i just can't. i became too complacent, i've lived too well.
thinking back, i was a better guy when my mum was sick. i was straight, stiff and violent, but i was upright, strong and had a clear vision. i know what i want to do. but now i dont. its all blurry. i told her many times to give me that slap, but i got this instead. maybe she'll slap me if i do it ask this time? isnt it high time i awake?
two days ago i tried to touch a young bird. i moved slow and gentle, but it was still too scared to move. finally, it flew away.
i'm just a scary being. i simply dunno how to talk nicely to girls or guys yet.
but i really want to. i just...
i dunno. what am i? just a liar?
you know, no matter how much i miss anyone or regret anyth i don't show it. it takes a mass of analysis to see through me. why do i have to do that kind of thing...
i really really miss her as a friend, but it just seems to me that i cant do anyth right. i cant look at her without weighing her down so bad, i cant help her from behind the screens like what i did before, i just can't. i became too complacent, i've lived too well.
thinking back, i was a better guy when my mum was sick. i was straight, stiff and violent, but i was upright, strong and had a clear vision. i know what i want to do. but now i dont. its all blurry. i told her many times to give me that slap, but i got this instead. maybe she'll slap me if i do it ask this time? isnt it high time i awake?
two days ago i tried to touch a young bird. i moved slow and gentle, but it was still too scared to move. finally, it flew away.
i'm just a scary being. i simply dunno how to talk nicely to girls or guys yet.
but i really want to. i just...
i dunno. what am i? just a liar?
you know what's called never learn from mistakes?
its when you repeat the mistake again and again when people already tell you to stop.
and thats exactly what i've been doing, for almost a year.
how can a person who can see so well be so damn blind?
yah, well. thats what i did.
cause of that, i lost more than one friend. and its not like i have a lot. a friend is more than classmate. its a person who when needs help, you'll go that extra mile to help. and i lost them. the people who mean a lot to me are all gone. haha. wow, i'm so dumb.
well, i've lost these friendships, and more of others that i havent listed or realised.
c-jan2008-aug-2009
cz-feb2006-aug2009
tc-feb2006-aug2009
lw-oct2008-aug2009
first people to lose. and the people who mean the most to me as well.
maybe, it wouldnt kill me to just stop violenting and listen.
but nobody tries to restrain me. where are you, the one who will restrain me? if its me, why haven't i learnt my own soul?
its when you repeat the mistake again and again when people already tell you to stop.
and thats exactly what i've been doing, for almost a year.
how can a person who can see so well be so damn blind?
yah, well. thats what i did.
cause of that, i lost more than one friend. and its not like i have a lot. a friend is more than classmate. its a person who when needs help, you'll go that extra mile to help. and i lost them. the people who mean a lot to me are all gone. haha. wow, i'm so dumb.
well, i've lost these friendships, and more of others that i havent listed or realised.
c-jan2008-aug-2009
cz-feb2006-aug2009
tc-feb2006-aug2009
lw-oct2008-aug2009
first people to lose. and the people who mean the most to me as well.
maybe, it wouldnt kill me to just stop violenting and listen.
but nobody tries to restrain me. where are you, the one who will restrain me? if its me, why haven't i learnt my own soul?
chasing something so fervently. you lose the most impt thing you were carrying.
lol, to day was kinda the sickest day for me?
as in ill, sick. i felt horrible when going to sch. havent felt any different for 2 months alrd. haha. i wonder if i shld get used to it.
when we look back at things we said and done, we realise the countless errors, misconception and mistakes we made. we kinda wanna regret it, but time is not as forgiving as god. so what can we do if we cant undo the wrong we've done? tell me? cos i rly wna know.
sometimes, as humans, we overstep our boundaries and assume superhuman roles. assume that we're up there, the best. that everyth revolves around us. and then we get high, thinking we cant be brought down. hmm. maybe i shouldnt use we? kays, how about i try use i. its simpler. thinking i cant ever fall down. a saying goes, the higher we climb, the harder we fall. and i fall. and everyth is too late for me. and the best part is, thinking i'm still invincible, i try to climb again and fall, again. i never seem to learn.
enlighten me, oh friends. lol. wdv.
i mean, tell me. sometimes, the greatest, most impt little things in life seem to fade out of sight. just because we cant see air dun mean we don't need it. see? just because we hate the guitar sound don't mean we dont like it. every person is guided by our own personal bias. its time to snap out of it. i'm getting lost in my own world, and she who saved me before isn't here to save me again. its my fault, though. everyth can blame me, seriously. really.
now that you dislike me, care to slap me and wake me up?
sometimes friends hurt each other so they learn. no matter how weird or strange people think it is. you should know that. even though... i'm not the right person to say this, and the effect is lost cause its me who said it.
i'm sorry. nvm just don't cut it anymore. i really wronged this time.
as in ill, sick. i felt horrible when going to sch. havent felt any different for 2 months alrd. haha. i wonder if i shld get used to it.
when we look back at things we said and done, we realise the countless errors, misconception and mistakes we made. we kinda wanna regret it, but time is not as forgiving as god. so what can we do if we cant undo the wrong we've done? tell me? cos i rly wna know.
sometimes, as humans, we overstep our boundaries and assume superhuman roles. assume that we're up there, the best. that everyth revolves around us. and then we get high, thinking we cant be brought down. hmm. maybe i shouldnt use we? kays, how about i try use i. its simpler. thinking i cant ever fall down. a saying goes, the higher we climb, the harder we fall. and i fall. and everyth is too late for me. and the best part is, thinking i'm still invincible, i try to climb again and fall, again. i never seem to learn.
enlighten me, oh friends. lol. wdv.
i mean, tell me. sometimes, the greatest, most impt little things in life seem to fade out of sight. just because we cant see air dun mean we don't need it. see? just because we hate the guitar sound don't mean we dont like it. every person is guided by our own personal bias. its time to snap out of it. i'm getting lost in my own world, and she who saved me before isn't here to save me again. its my fault, though. everyth can blame me, seriously. really.
now that you dislike me, care to slap me and wake me up?
sometimes friends hurt each other so they learn. no matter how weird or strange people think it is. you should know that. even though... i'm not the right person to say this, and the effect is lost cause its me who said it.
i'm sorry. nvm just don't cut it anymore. i really wronged this time.
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